Trigger Warning: Dark Thoughts, but gets hopeful towards the end.
Just as I thought life threw me the harshest realities, it threw me another. Every time it does, it throws me something worse. Yes, I can handle it – it’s nothing that makes me want to take my life but it’s enough to make you question your existence. But every time it does, it’s either too sad or too disgusting to take. It makes me want to shave my head and have a mastectomy. It makes me want to be asexual by choice. It makes me want to forego my love for dressing up. It makes me want to go somewhere no one knows me and enjoy life appreciating different cultures, humanity, and nature.
But here I am, stuck but trying to move along, realizing and obsessing about what I lack to speed up my moving along, but doing what has to be done anyway because it gets worse if I won’t. That’s how it is being adult, anyway, isn’t it? I remember telling my friend how I regret leaving my job at the big corporate city. I miss the city life. My friend responded, “But you wouldn’t know what would happen if you hadn’t taken the risk.” She’s right. I would be miserable right obsessing about the “what ifs” if I hadn’t taken the risk. I would still be sad about the fact that I feel like a zombie – work, eat, sleep then shopping during the weekends, clothes piling because I am a sucky human who finds joy in shopping and looking good and make-up, because I am very shy and avoid socializing with people that aren’t my favorite people, thus, I splurge on fashion and good food instead of nature tripping or experiences, something most outgoing millennials do, then feel sad because I feel like I am missing out. I realized, whichever path I chose, I am still going to feel like I missed something.
But I took the risk. I allowed to be assigned to a place with really nice beaches and nature spots but never went because I never had anyone to go with. Instead, I had a hard time adjusting to a different culture because just because you’re a Filipino doesn’t mean the culture is the same across the country. Regionalism is real. Sometimes, you’re co-Filipinos are nicer to foreigners than they are to their co-Filipinos.
A lot has happened this year. I’ve lived in three different cities. And now I feel repugnant about desirability. Even though I understand it is not my responsibility when people want to objectify other people, I still feel it’s my fault. Because of this, I want to be genderless, asexual even, by choice. This experience made me think twice about getting married and having a kid. I will be scared for them especially if they are females. Why must it be like this? It is the most repugnant thing ever.
However, life goes on. For now, I will work towards getting out of here again. I won’t stop. I have to go back to where I was. I understand now. I shouldn’t have left. Life was trying to teach me a lesson: it’s time to settle down. Experiments are over. Go to where your heart is. I now know.
Panic Realizations 