Ghosting, Not the Romantic Kind

One of the nastiest habits I have is blocking people from my life. It’s easy to block people in social media, but it is not easy to do that in real life. Old friends who turned toxic, family members or relatives who I do not feel comfortable being around with, colleagues who, you are not sure if they are sincere or not – I am fond of blocking them. I chose not to engage in their negative vibes.

I am usually shy and quiet but when I sense that it is safe to be myself, I tend to become overly friendly. Sometimes, I get overly friendly to the point of overhelping people and oversharing my thoughts and feelings. I’ve often noticed how people get annoyed by this, especially when I share about something nice that has recently happened in my life. Maybe I haven’t put much thought that they aren’t having it as good as I am. Maybe that makes me insensitive. Okay. Point taken. Although I do not mean to make them feel bad about their life, it always seems otherwise to them, I guess.

I tend to also automatically help when someone asks for something I have or know. The same goes when someone complains – I tend to give them tips and pieces of advice right away even if they did not directly address a problem to me. Maybe all they need was someone to listen to, instead. Maybe I am not good at taking hints. I don’t know. I can’t help it – I just have this automatic urge to help. I grew up around a family, specifically my father’s side of the family, who loves to give. I don’t see it as a merit. It feels natural for me to help.

I think that because of this, I tend to push other people away unconsciously. Or maybe not. Maybe I’m just overthinking. But once I begin to suspect ambiguous drama that is probably related to my being overly-friendly, when it makes me feel uncomfortable and draining, I tend to start blocking people out of my life. I’d usually plan it – I’d first give the person or people a chance and try to mend things. But when it happens more than three times, that is when I am planning my escape – I’d leave the scene one tippy toe at a time until I finally reach the exit. I’d sometimes explain general things like, “Hey, I need to go. I have some big things I need to manage. I need some space. Goodbye now. It was nice to meet you all.” But most of the time, I just never talk to people again. I’d probably reply once in a while and be polite but at the back of my mind, I consider them bad for my health.

The thing is, I know it isn’t mature to shut your doors on people that you consider friends once. They say, the most mature thing to do is to sincerely talk to them about the fact that you don’t feel comfortable around them anymore, that it feels draining to be around them, and to tell them that you prefer to have your personal growth with a chosen few. But sometimes, it’s easier to ghost people. I see how this has been popular in dating – I am guilty of doing this now, but to people in general.

I am not saying ghosting is acceptable. If you can, talk to these people. It’s better to have some closure. If they’re the jerk types, politely give an excuse to leave the space you thought was once safe, or maybe just ghost them. Who cares? It’s your life. 

What’s your take on ghosting people? Do you think it’s nasty? Do you share the same nasty attitude as I do? Let’s discuss it. Comment below.

Advertisements

Tomorrow

May I learn from other people’s senior life crisis.

May I unreluctantly leave the virility and youth of yesterday.

May I be a source of guidance & wisdom in the future for the younger generations.

May I accept and acknowledge that the youth is capable of autonomy.

May I not demand respect but be a good example to gain respect.

Tomorrow.

Is Sharing Knowledge a Manifestation of Being a Show-Off?

Even if there are some people out there who only share their knowledge for validation, won’t a mentality that shames people for sharing knowledge do more bad than good?

I was casually talking to a friend about general happenings and ideas until we reached a topic about the gift of knowledge in relation to humility. He said that it’s good to be knowledgeable but it’s also better to not let things get into your head and to not overshare your knowledge, so to commit fewer mistakes. In short, “less talk, fewer mistakes”. But he was actually referring to people’s judgment, and to not annoy the rest of the people with one’s knowledge when he was talking about “less talk, fewer mistakes”. I alluded to disapproving what he said by saying this: “I am guilty of that. I can’t help but share my knowledge. It’s automatic.”

Being a person who muses about ideas, I was easily obsessed with the thought of showing off one’s richness in knowledge. This provoked my thought and I came up with questions: What if the person sharing the knowledge does so because he just wants to help? Is it his fault for knowing more and sharing more? Is it the knowledge-sharers fault for only wanting to help? What may be the emotion behind the person who perceived knowledge-sharers as being show-offs? Okay, you might think my questions are biased but please move on as I will also discuss people who are rich in knowledge, wants validation, but isn’t willing to help. The world does not run out of mean and rude people.

I understand that there are people who only share their knowledge to make themselves look better, but there are also other people who do this because they merely want to help others. I think, the safest way to test if a knowledgeable person is willing to help is by asking them to clarify things for you – if they seem unhelpful, say, they seem to only judge or mock you for knowing less, then this person is probably only sharing his knowledge for validation. On the other hand, if the person is passionate enough to help you, then he just wants better things for you. Also, I just want to say that I am guilty of the former. I used to be like that, especially in my early 20s. I apologize.

Even if there are indeed some people out there who only share their knowledge for validation, won’t a mentality and culture that shames people for sharing knowledge do more harm than good? My answer to this is, yes. If only a few people will share their knowledge, I think that would do more harm. Shouldn’t we be more open to people who are eager and passionate to share about the new things they learned?

I already have the answers to these questions. However, I want to challenge your pre-conceived notions about humility, knowledge and showing off. And I am ending this blog post with this saying: “Curiosity has its own reason for existing.” – Albert Einstein

What do you think about this blog post? Share your thoughts below. I’d love to have an open discussion with you. Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

My Journey to Intimacy

I had my first crush when I was five. Yes, I was merely five years old. I saw this boy running and playing with his cousin. They were my classmates. I did not understand what I felt. I am not sure what it was called but I know that I have a special liking towards him and that I have never felt anything like it before. I later found out it was an attraction – a crush of a puppy-love kind.

Fast-forward to my pre-pubescent & teen years, it was the same – I go gaga over good-looking teenage boys. I wanted their attention so bad. My goal was to be liked-back by someone I like. And then I achieved that goal, only to realize that being liked back wasn’t enough. I want someone who can be a friend, too. Because of this, my standards changed. Good looks don’t faze me as much anymore. Boys had to meet certain criteria – they had to be nice dudes or it’s a deal breaker. That’s when my demisexuality was realized. I had to have a certain emotional and mental connection before I become intimate with them.

Fast forward to early adulthood and I don’t find myself attracted to just good-looking men who I can connect with emotionally and mentally. I now have to connect with them at a cognitive level. Wits are sexy. My sapiosexuality was realized!

Fast forward to now and I’d only get intimate with men who are average to good looking plus any two of these qualities: nice and witty. Too bad I still tend to get attracted to assholes that are average to good looking but witty. But the latter’s usually the type of people who I make sure I don’t have an emotional attachment to.

And, oh. I forgot! They must have great personalities, too: confident, funny and woke. And as with age, they must be 24 years old up to 10 years older than me.

So, ladies and gentlemen, just like most girls, I have high standards, too. giphy-4

What to do in Zamboanga

If you happen to find yourself in my hometown for whatever reason – a business or work trip, to meet your significant other’s family, or probably plain curiosity – this post could be useful. There is nothing really special about my hometown except that we are the only Latin City in Asia – we speak the bastardized Spanish called Chavacano. We also have one of the freshest kinds of seafood in Mindanao. But if you want to delve into a cultural experience, there are things you can do and try while you are in Zamboanga.

  1. Try the Malaysian-inspired dish called Satti. This is a delicious knockoff of the Malaysian dish called “Satay”. There are many Satti food shops in town. One of the most famous food shops offering the best-tasting Satti is a Joloano Cafe that recently opened its branches in our town called Dennis Coffee Garden. They also offer Joloano snacks and desserts that I’m sure anyone will love. Their coffee is a must-try, too. You can buy ground coffee from their cafe for pasalubong. Why is there Malaysian-influence in the City, you may ask? Well, if you look at the map, we’re near Malaysia. Other nearby islands such as Jolo and Tawi-Tawi consider it as one and the same as their hometowns. They don’t see it as something separate from the Philippines. I say this because I have friends from Jolo and Tawi-Tawi who share to me about their experiences growing up – they go to and fro Malaysia and even have relatives living there.
  2. Visit Fort Pilar and the Zamboanga Museum to check out the structures built by the Spaniards in the olden days. Don’t forget to check out the City Hall, too. While you’re there, you may visit the Paseo del Mar at night. Around the same area is the Lantaka Hotel by the Sea. They also offer great-tasting hotel-style food.  734544_101496086714328_1707887786_n35027_101496213380982_1939411831_n
  3. Visit the oldest Zamboangueno fast food restaurant called Flavorite and order their burger. Eat it with mustard. Otherwise, it’s not the burger Zamboanguenos grew up eating. Skip this if you don’t enjoy mustard it gives the burger its unique taste.
  4. Try Palmeras Restaurant’s knicker-bocker – It’s a Zamboangueno version of Halo-Halo. Try their seafood and meat bilao, too. It’s the best.
  5. Drop by Carmelas and try their rice cakes and other snacks, especially the famous puto-pao – there is nothing like it in other places yet. You can buy food pasalubong from this store, too.
  6. Try Kevin’s Dilis and Peanuts. Carmelas sell these, too. It’s great for pasalubong.
  7. Watch the sunset at the RT Lim Boulevard while having your balot and penoy with Mountain Dew.
  8. Visit the Sta. Cruz Island. It’s an island with pinkish white sand and clear aquamarine waters.
  9. Visit the Pasonanca Park if you want a cool, hilly experience. You can jog there and bring your pets for exercise, too.
  10. In case you crave for imported goodies and snacks, drop by Zalos – they are known for selling imported wines, chocolates, and chips that are usually from the West, Europe and some parts of Asia.
  11. I can’t stress the Malaysian-influence enough in our city that we also have a marketplace called the Barter Trade. Just like Zalos, they sell imported chocolates, processed food items and other goodies from Malaysia at a fairly low price.
  12. Your experience won’t be complete until you try Alavar’s famous sauce. People usually cook it with Zamboanga’s famous seafood called Curacha. You may also use the sauce for pasta and other dishes. Don’t forget to try their bagon gata, too. Zamboangueno’s love their shrimp paste with coconut milk so much.
  13. You may also want to check out our modern-looking cathedral located in La Purisima Street. It’s called the Metropolitan Cathedral. I haven’t seen a modern-looking cathedral in the Philippines like it. Check it out if you’re curious about this architecture.64377_101496166714320_1562243824_n
  14. For desserts, try the oldest dessert food shop and cafe in town called Myrna’s Bakehouse. Try their Panini and Pasta, too. I especially like their signature Strawberry Cheesecake and Ma’am Caling Cake. The latter is named after a famous matriarchal mayor named Caling Lobregat. /Kah-LING/
  15. For your personal needs and groceries, while you’re in Zamboanga, the best places to go to are KCC Supermarket, Yubenco Supermarket, Budget Wise, and Citi Mall.
  16. Finally, make friends with Zamboanguenos. Learn new Chavacano words and phrases from them. Meet a scholar or a professor and ask them about the history. Zamboanguenos are proud people but they are very hospitable and eager to share their culture with visitors.

If you wonder why I didn’t include details about where to find these places, that’s because I want you to socialize with the Zamboangueno people. But for course, just like visiting any place, I want to remind you to practice precaution when meeting new people.

Enjoy your stay!

 

Photos are of my dad’s. This blog post is edited some minutes after the original post to include Myrna’s Bakehouse. I almost forgot about this Zamboangueno dessert food shop.

Glossary:

  1. bagon gata – Zamboangueno shrimp paste sauteed in coconut milk.
  2. balot or balut – /bah-LOT/, /bah-LOOT/ a developing duck embryo that is boiled and eaten from the shell. (Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balut_(food) )
  3. bilao – /bee-LA-oh/, /bee-LAO/ large woven tray; winnowing basket for removing rice chaff. (Source: https://www.tagalogtranslate.com/tl_en/1572/bilao) This is, in modern times, used in Filipino restaurants to display a variety of Filipino food.
  4. Joloano – /Ho-lo-WA-no/ people of Jolo, Philippines, usually the Tausugs.
  5. pasalubong – /pa-sa-LOO-bong/ a Filipino tradition of travelers bringing gifts from their destination to people back home. (Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pasalubong)
  6. penoy or pinoy – /PE-noy/, /PEE-noy/ duck eggs that are not properly developed after nine to twelve days which look, smell and taste similar to a regular hard-boiled egg. (Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balut_(food) )

Existential Crisis

Can’t wait for that time,
You said.
You will be desensitized,
You said.
You will not feel the same,
You will not crave for brand new eyes,
Hope is lost
Everything is a chore
Forced

Can’t wait for that time,
You said.
You will give up trying
You said.
You will not trust people,
You will never believe they would understand
Excitement is lost
Everything is tiring
Insincere

Music did not disappoint
Visual arts did not disappoint
Films did not disappoint
Food did not disappoint
Books did not disappoint
Earthlings other than humans did certainly not!
Will I ever lose faith in these, as well?
I wish not.

 

Originally written on 03/07/2017, from my Facebook’s “On This Day” and it used to have no title. I thought of the title after I copy+pasted it here. This was written during one of those dark days I had.

My Non-Negotiable

This is the time where you use what you learned in school that you thought were useless – philosophy, political science, problem-solving, etc. If you were able to site valid sources for your thesis in your college, and then graduate by doing so, you can also site facts from fiction and open your eyes to the fact that you are being used by Duterte and his minions.

I’ve always been outspoken as far as I can remember. Growing up, this is influenced by family members and relatives. I openly admit that I used to be irrational and impolite. There are some things I did that are universally unacceptable when I was younger – I made fun of someone’s social status, illness, unfortunate situations, and others. I am not proud of this. Most of us go through these stages and just like most people, I outgrew it.

I have always talked about unlearning toxic values and beliefs and relearning ethical ones. I would not be a secular humanist, a liberal democrat or a feminist if I hadn’t done so. For example, I used to think the religion I was brought up in is superior to the rest until I become a secular humanist. I used to think that I should leave it all to the authorities until I understood the core of democracy and liberalism in politics. I used to slut-shame women and be passive about toxic masculinity until I learned about feminism and the ill effects of sexism and misogyny.

I’ve worked so hard to unlearn my toxic values and beliefs and relearned ethical ones. I’ve experienced cognitive dissonance and it was one of the hardest things I have to go through. It was not easy accepting the fact that I was wrong.

I have also hurt a lot of people in the past and I have yet to apologize to them. I am planning to and I am looking for the right time. I especially want to apologize to the people I inadvertently hurt by alluding that my decisions are better than theirs.

I remember talking to a friend one time about whether or not younger men, men our age or men who are slightly older makes for a better lover. My friend mentioned that in her experience, she gets along with men her age. I alluded to her being wrong and insist that slightly older men are better based merely on my experience. A couple of years passed and I realized that I was wrong. I realized that I can’t speak for everyone because each person goes through experiences in life differently. Each of our experiences is unique from one another. It was also around this time that I felt that she distanced her self from me. I have yet to apologize to her for this.

I also rudely called her boyfriend out when he advised me to get pregnant so that I can keep a guy. I find this insulting to my wisdom. I felt like he underestimated my ability to think wisely. Alright, I would probably only apologize for my dramatic demeanor when I expressed my outrage that time. What he said was uncalled for. I know it was a joke but it was a sexist one.

I realized that I’m willing to compromise when I am confronted with situations like the ones above. However, there is something that I will never compromise about. This is when people support fascist and tyrannical leaders that put our country’s democracy and people in danger.

We are living in a democratic country. I cannot respect people who support violent forms of punishment especially punishments that intentionally spills blood. Ethically speaking, you are only forgiven of murder if you unintentionally killed someone to protect yourself. Also, I cannot respect people who support hypocritical leaders – leaders who vow to end corruption but participate in one. I cannot respect people who are silent about gender discrimination, especially misogyny and homophobia. People who support leaders who make rape jokes and tell soldiers to shoot women guerillas in the vagina will never gain my respect. Despite the fact that the leader used violent language against a group that is considered a terrorist in our country, the fact that he used violent language targeting a particular gender is uncalled for. He also used the same language against the gay guerillas. Again, this is targeted at a certain gender. This is never acceptable. It contributes to the hatred and discrimination of women and LGBTQ in Philippine society.

To ignore these issues is insulting and disrespectful. To rub the “nice” things he has done on the victim’s and opposition’s face is equally insulting and disrespectful. How dare supporters do this as if we’re naive and stupid about the supposedly good deeds he did for the country? How dare they do this while ignoring the evil deeds of Duterte, and even make fun of the victims of corruption, discrimination, and violence in favor of him? No. You don’t do that. That is just plain disrespectful and insulting. If Duterte and his supporters are a romantic relationship, it’s as if the supporters are in denial that their partner is abusing them. It’s as if they’re showing people that their romantic partner is a great man despite the fact that he stole, verbally abused, and used them for their own interest.

I understand that most Filipinos are simple-minded folks who do not want to be burdened by complex ways of looking at things. Most Filipinos, I am sorry to say this, are lazy thinkers. They usually resort to fixing complex issues in a short-cut type of way. They merely label problems as “right” and “wrong”. This is evident in the current administration.  The current administration uses violent language and abuses its use of power to get what it wants. This is not merely a lazy and short-cut way to fix things but this sounds almost psychopathic – tyrannical even! Leaders like this do not only threaten the democracy of the country, they also poison the minds of the ignorant and lazy citizens. These type of leaders encourage the use of violent language and even violence to get things done. This is a very evil example to raise a generation. It is very toxic to society, too.

This is one of the ills of my poor country. This way of thinking is non-negotiable for me. I will never think twice about calling anyone out, even to the point of shaming them if they insist on practicing this type of thinking. The social issues our country is facing today are complex – they need to be discussed in-depth. We need to anticipate future needs or challenges to address them. The lazy and short-cut solutions may alleviate it temporarily but it will never effectively solve the problem.

My main point is that, if one continues to think lazily and let the majority or authority think for them, then I don’t mind being seen less favorably by families or friends when I  called them out for it. Logic and experience proved me that it is wrong for me to just agree with what the majority says. I honestly feel uncomfortable having to oppose my friends’ and family’s views but I don’t want to pretend to be something I am not just to please people, especially when it comes to issues that matter. I know what I stand for, and I am too old and tired to care about what others think and feel about me.

It is only in my 30s that I find myself chill – my head up high among the sea of people who see less favorably of me. I don’t want to merely agree with people just to please them and to keep the peace. I will not hesitate to call out their ill-conceived notions about social issues.

Maybe, I feel this way because I am confident that I have the hots and wits that those who hold less favorable views about me don’t. giphy-4 Kidding aside, I am someone who is not easily impressed by material things and status. I admire people with wisdom, wit and a heart. And that includes having the courage to also rise above the majority of puppets to a regime.

I want to end this article by saying this: This is the time where you use what you learned in school that you thought were useless – philosophy, political science, problem-solving, and others. If you were able to site valid sources for your thesis in your college and graduate by doing so, you can most probably site facts from fiction and open your eyes to the fact that you are being used by Duterte and his minions. I am sorry, but I will never back off from calling you out. I will not judge your personal interests and life choices except this. This is a non-negotiable.