Thought of the Day #4

There are two kinds of blind loyalty – gullibility and bigotry. I could easily understand the former, especially if they’ve discovered they’ve been duped or knew less, acknowledge their ignorance, and stopped their blind loyalty for evil people. However, they could realize their ignorance and still continue with their loyalty because of their values.

Blind loyalty through bigotry can also be hypocritical – people who are fond of cherry-picking the advantages and passively ignoring the unethical deeds, or those who support even the unethical deeds because they share the same values as the evil person they support.

Just another rumination on this complex life. Nothing is black and white, ya’ll.

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I dreamt of the power I thought you had

Of the time I thought you’re a magnificent hero

Of the time I thought your humor could obliterate the world’s sadness

 

But that power was a pretense

You had to put up a show to calm our tiny fragile hearts

 

I realized how hard it is to bear it all and look magnificent and strong

Salute.

 

(From my dream today about my parents)

What’s Up with my Life #1

As I’ve mentioned before, I recently moved back to my hometown, to my parent’s house. Living away from home for almost 5 years made me realize a lot of things. I now feel shocked at some of the things I don’t, about my parents’ way of things. Anyway, they were still tolerant to accept me back in the house. So, for that, I thank them.

My dad’s been obsessed with watching crime stories involving young children. One time, when I was having my hair dyed, and the film I and my hairdresser was watching, finally ended, he chose a movie that gave me anxiety. It was about a criminal kid. I immediately switched to another film, something more of a cyberpunk, female hero theme.

My parents have very traditional views and I lean more towards the progressive: I support the LGBTQ, I am pro-choice for the fact that I think I do not have the right to tell people what to do with their bodies, I am against capital punishment for the fact that there have been a lot of innocent people wrongly tried, and the list goes on. These views, including others, shocks them to the point of probably thinking that I am a social deviant, despite the fact I’ve been a good citizen all of my life.

Anyway…

I was wondering why my dad was suddenly obsessed with these types of movies recently. I am a very odd child, I have to admit. We don’t always get along. I am a very curious child and they, on the other hand, grew up in a different time. They were disciplined rather differently to the point of being psychologically abused or manipulated. This seems to be normal to them because they grew up thinking it is the only way to control kids. I, on the other hand,  have a very different view on disciplining kids. I think screaming and merely telling kids not to do things will only make them do it more because they don’t understand why they shouldn’t do it.

I also have a very bad temper. I feel triggered whenever I am raised voice at, and whenever I am blamed for something I didn’t do. I also feel angry whenever there is a sudden change in the house rules that I am not aware of, then I am raised voiced at or got angered at for the mere fact I didn’t know that I accidentally “broke the rules”. I prefer to be told politely. After all, I am also an adult, despite being their child. One time, I was fed up with being blamed and told to do things in an inflammatory manner, that I went to my room and threw my glass tumbler until it broke into pieces.

Also, I tend to block a lot of people from my life, including friends, family, and relatives whose views are polar opposites to mine. I had to do this especially when I feel like my emotion and my mind cannot take enough anymore. I think it’s better to deal with the minimal.

If the conspiracy theory is correct, the government would be laughing now, snooping at our online activities: While my dad may think I might be a social deviant (boohoohoo) and probably googling things to help them deal with it, here I am busy daydreaming about pursuing my creative and academic dreams, only being stopped by my lack of funds (boohoohoo again), and making myself feel better by geeking at random YouTube videos and Netflix documentaries, or reading about political articles and news.

I really think I should have a side hustle so I can get my ass out of here again. I’ve drafted plans already. This is becoming more unhealthy and we are getting paranoid about each other because we don’t get along, don’t talk to each other, and therefore don’t trust each other. We’ve only become diplomatic. I can’t really feel the familial love anymore.

So long! Til next time.

Clinging

He won’t set me free. I attempted to break free some thousands of days ago. He’d always entrance me with his fragility – his emotional and carnal neediness. I can’t resist the feeling of being needed… wanted. desired. While the rest yearns this, I, on the other hand, yearns to be free.

I guess I’m also a bit scared somehow. I tend to come back. But I’ve always readied myself in case I need to. I’ve accepted long ago the implications of romance – we’re merely slaves for procreation. Infatuation lasts 6 to 24 months, theoretically speaking. We feel the need for romance, the feeling of belongingness to survive. All of these living is for us to be myopic on surviving, to distract us from the realization that everything doesn’t make sense and is therefore meaningless. But we live nevertheless… and so we cling on to romance to save us.

Ice Cream

Must I go out & feed my sinful craving?
My mind is filled with generous creamy indulgence
It is a weekend
I must not worry
Many others are unashamed sharing the same desire tonight
A crescent light on the sky reflects the streets
My way will be illuminated as I inch closer
I must not worry

I will get to you!

Ice cream.

And I once again discovered other literary attempts. LOL. From my Facebook, written 03/03/2017. A playful take on my ice cream cravings. Hahaha

I am

I’m your summer
I’m the giggle when perverted secrets are whispered
I’m the fresh, cool wind blowing on your face
I’m the laughter of platonic ties, splashing seawater against each other
Despite its seldomness…

I’m your winter
I’m the merciless cold that causes you to tremble
I’m the frostbite that could take away parts of you
I could put you to sleep & never wake you up
If you make me…

I’m your storm
I may come roaring in the night
I can drown you with my rage
I can make you dread, you wish I never existed
If you let me…

I could be all of these at once.
But you can choose what you want me to be.

I can choose to control.
Not always.

I was looking for an old post and came across this from my Facebook account. I wonder how many are still left buried in my tantamount of posts. Happy to find it and share it here. It is about my different reactions to how people treat me.

According to Facebook, I posted this on my wall on March 29, 2017. It doesn’t have a title, until today.