My husband and I have been married for two years and counting. Although we have been together for 15 years before we decided to get married, it was difficult living with him for the first time. I understand this is due to our differences.
I met him when I was 19, while he was 25. Since then, so much has changed in how I view relationships and life. I learned a lot as I also unlearned and relearned a lot as I continuously do so. My husband on the other hand is simple-minded – as long as he isn’t doing anything that will drastically cause harm and suffering in his life, he’s fine.
We were intermittently on LDR for a total of 5 to 6 years. We had to learn how to adjust to each other when we physically got together again – there were some expectations that both of us didn’t meet, we encountered attitude clashes, and aside from all of these, there are people in the background who contribute to our marital stress. It was worse the first year – we were always fighting. We’ve been fighting less lately. I noticed that he’s been trying to adjust to living with me and learning how to avoid doing things that would cause us to fight as I’m doing the same.
Sometimes I have this strong urge to leave, but I thought – there are advantages to companionship and I’d still encounter the same problem with another person anyway. There is no perfect relationship. He wants to work it out, so I thought I should try, too. Conflicts are normal. It happens to everyone – between family members, friendships, work relationships, and communities. We’re all humans continually learning, unlearning, and relearning. We’re all flawed. Unless it becomes abusive, then I will leave.
What makes something abusive for me, you might ask?
I consider us a family unit despite being childless. We both understand that what is his is mine and what is mine is his. Although we handle our income and finances individually, I would leave him if he starts becoming financially irresponsible. If he starts spending overboard on gambling, for example, causing us debts, that’s a red flag for me. If I found out that he’s spending a huge chunk of his time with another woman, and spending too much money on her, it’s time for me to leave.
Other than that, we’re both just humans and we weren’t placed in this world with a manual on how to live life. I err too, he forgives me. Our relationship mantra has always been “give and take”. When the other gives too much and the other takes too much, we’ll probably fight, that’s inevitable – but we’ll talk it out and fix it, just like family, friends and colleagues do.
I might complain randomly from time to time but that’s just me being me. The moment those two red flags are being waved, I’m out of the door.
Panic Realizations 