Looking Back to the Firsts in my 20s to Welcome the Middle Age

To celebrate the fleeting of my younger self, I’d like to look back on some of the moments that I’ll never forget. I’m entering middle age and even though it’s not for anyone else or society to dictate how I should behave, dress, or do, I want to let go of some things that I think are keeping me from progressing & gaining more wisdom. To do this, I’d like to revisit the times that brought fun and excitement during my early 20s – the time I graduated college and got a job – up to my early 30s.

21 years – I was a small-town girl, born to lower-middle-class parents. We lived comfortably until I was in my teens when my dad had an early retirement due to some back problems. We struggled financially as a family during those times, so unlike my other peers, I never really left the town to travel to tourist spots in the Philippines or out of the county. Only a few times did I go out of town to visit my relatives in the province. So one of the most exciting times in my life was finally going to a big city and experiencing city things.
My dad worked again after his early retirement because he had to send 4 kids to college, and he would travel 2 to 3x every year to the city to get their company tax-exempted and meet some clients & suppliers. They brought me with them to inspire me to be more independent and live alone in a city. Because we don’t necessarily need to work & leave home by the time we turn 18 in our culture, I still lived with my folks and was too scared to live on my own in a big city. But when they brought me with them on one of their annual trips, it helped me get prepared to leave the town a couple of years later.
The big city indeed inspired and gave me the motivation and confidence that I need as a young adult. I learned how to use big city public transport & commute. Malling and shopping were fun as a 21-year-old because we don’t have malls as big as the city ones. We stayed at a condo for a while and it was also the first time for me to stay in a small home that was 20-storey above. Everything was fun and just inspiring for a 21-year-old small-town girl like me.

22 – This was the first time I got a job, so it was my first time earning and working regularly. I was finally able to buy & pay for what I wanted. This part of my life was a big deal for me. It gave me the first taste of freedom. It was also around this age that I was eager to decide on adult stuff by myself. This was the first time I took a risk: it was leaving my first job as it was taking a toll on my physical health.

23 – It was my first time becoming unemployed. I don’t feel like I’m growing my skills in my second job so I left it. I was on a job hiatus for a year but I am thankful for that moment because I discovered a lot of things about myself. I discovered a new music genre that I love, gained wisdom from my existential crisis, watch a lot of films and documentaries exploring the philosophy of human existence, learned basic photography skills, and gained some internet friends that I kept in touch with up to this day.

24 – This was my first time getting drunk as hell and it was such a funny experience. Although I never blacked out, I puked a lot. I was laughing at the smallest things and cried for no reason. My boyfriend (husband now) was pissed that he had to babysit a drunk me. I kept puking even after the next day that I had to take medicine to regulate my vomiting refluxes – because girl, I was vomiting stomach acid already! I never got drunk like that again in my life. I wonder when’s the next time. It was a funny memory.

25 – I found a better-paying job where I further honed my skills and I went to the big city again for training. I stayed there for a month and a half and it made me more confident and independent in getting around – using public transport and commuting alone. This further prepared me for my decision to leave the town a few years later. I also got my first credit card and I learned a lot about financial management. I also paid for my vaccine for the first time! Big girl things! I got an anti-HPV vaccine. It was the most expensive thing I’ve ever spent on.

26 – It was my boyfriend and I’s first time getting out of town as a couple. I felt more like an adult making decisions and going to different places with him. I never thought I’d be able to do it – saved up my hard-earned money, bought our tickets, and actually travelled. It was a nice experience. Needless to say, we continued doing so. It was my first time getting a huge bonus, too so I bought my folks TV.

27 – It was my first time on an LDR for a year. My boyfriend went to the city for greener pastures. I kept more to myself, stayed in my room the whole time, and only went out for work or to meet friends. I continued traveling as I visited my boyfriend four times a year (and he comes home around 4 times that year to see me too). I also discovered great Australian bands, one of which I listened to all of their songs in their last two albums at that time. I listened to this band for a whole year to cope with not being my boyfriend, who I’ve been seeing personally since my 3rd year in college. This moment, despite being bittersweet, made me more confident and independent. I’ve tasted freedom on a different level in that I proved to myself that I don’t need my boyfriend to depend on things like accompanying me to go to every errand I had.

28 – This was the time when I finally decided to take another risk – I finally left our town and joined my boyfriend in the big city. I was able to get jobs and although I didn’t live with him at that time because our workplaces were far from each other, and we decided to live near our workplace, we still get to see each other almost every day. This was the biggest, major decision I’ve made in my life so far. This made me experience a higher level of freedom and further increased my confidence. It also made me realize that if I can do this, I can do bigger things in life.

29 – Being on an LDR again and living alone, is synonymous with that moment at 23 when I learned more about myself. I enjoyed going to art fairs and jogging in the park alone and meeting some friends once in a while. I also went to band gigs with my brother when they visited the city. I also went to a nude Korean spa. LOL. It was mostly lonely but looking back, this year was one of the favorite times in my life so far.

From 30 to today – 35, nothing significant happened in my life anymore. I’ve reached a moment of stagnancy. I’ve made other decisions and taken risks that were regrettable. There were a couple of dark moments during these times, too. If anything significant happened, it would be finally getting what I want – working from home at 32, having a very flexible time, and becoming committed to going to the gym for half a year. I’ve also become more aware of social and political issues. I learned to win at online video games with other online players. LOL. I also married my college sweetheart. Lastly, I was able to kick off a small business! It was a win for me even though it’s only for a while. It was a really scary start but I was able to do it. A meager Php2000.00 became Php12,000 in 3 months. Too bad I stopped it because my husband is too scared to depend on a small business for our bills and wanted me to get a regular job.
This was from 2016 up to now – the times when polarization, fascism, and populism became common around the world due to social media manipulating us through unethical use of our data. Also, the pandemic happened. For some reason, my personal life went to hell as well.

Despite being stuck in a rut for half of my 30s, looking back at those event patterns that happened in my 20s – me unconsciously going back to the big city several times until finally settling there in my late 20s – I can say that maybe, in my 30s, the universe is telling me to look for patterns that keep on happening, and to use that to find what it is that I should do next in my 30s. It’s been screaming ENTREPRENEURSHIP to me lately. It’s unceasing. It’s there, waiting for me to act on it.

But I’m glad I’ve lived my 20s with experiences that make me happy whenever I look back. For some, this might be “meh” but for a small-town girl from a lower middle-class family, this was already something big for me. I’ve never been the same with all these experiences. I just want to thread on and create more fun memories to look back on my 40s in this decade that will also give me wisdom. Here’s to hope and to never giving up! Cheers!

How to Keep a Healthy Social Media Feed Amidst this Crisis

I’ve witnessed friends and families broken down due to this crisis. The media frenzy only worsens our fears. However, I’ve also seen people trying to nurse their mental state back to health.

On Instagram, people post fun Bingos and slum-book style questionnaires in their Stories. Then, there’s this famous Dalgona coffee that became famous in Tik Tok and is now taking over the internet. Ironically, they named it “the quarantine drink”! Speaking of Tik Tok, there are dance challenges that entertain young people. On Facebook, we’ve seen solidarity and helpfulness across the globe.

Now that we are aware of how social media greatly influences how we think, therefore influencing our behaviors and thoughts, how then, can we avoid hurting our mental health?

These are my tips.

1) Like or follow new or random pages that may interest you. Going with the flow of your feed recommendations may keep you stuck in a biased rut of views and interests. It’s wise to learn about useful new ideas as this could be helpful for ourselves, our families and communities.

2) Lookup for some fun posts. It could be cute animal videos or memes. Whatever tickles your fancy.

3) Check for news now and then. Subscribe only to credible and verified pages.

4) Unlike, unfollow, or snooze pages and friends’ posts that may be unhealthy for your mental health.

5) Prioritize what you want to see first.
Facebook has an option for prioritizing posts to show on your feed, from your top 30 pages.
Twitter has the “See Recent Tweets” option.
Instagram has the “notify me” option, to get the latest updates from your favorite profiles.

Once you’ll do this, you’ll gradually notice a healthy balance of posts on your feed. The trick is to confuse the algorithm or the AI of your social media accounts. This will avoid your social media to only show you the same interests in an extended period. Expanding our bubble is wise as it will help us grow as a person.

In the end, it all depends on you. It takes a great deal of awareness, discipline and personal responsibility to regulate what we consume. While we cannot deny the realities of this crisis, we always have a choice to recharge and take care of our mental health through what we consume.

Telling People in Pain That Others Have It Worse is BS

I always hear people tell me and others who go through life struggles to suck it up and to cheer myself up because others have it worse. I always feel two things whenever someone tells me this: 1) I feel annoyed, and 2) I feel paralyzed – I do not know what to do with that information and it certainly didn’t help me feel better. Why do I feel annoyed? I didn’t quite understand why at first. I felt stupid. Later on, as I went through life and learn things from what I read, I realized there is a term for this – devaluation.

Devaluation is “the action of causing someone or something to be considered less valuable or important“, according to the online Cambridge Dictionary. Why is devaluating people not okay? Because one merely brushed off someone else’s emotional pain instead of alleviating them from it. One might view other people’s pain as unimportant compared to other people’s. I think there is a problem with this kind of thinking. For one, the person seemed to have failed to empathize with the other person who expressed their pain. Another thing is, because one failed to empathize, one also failed to understand the other person’s feelings.  Lastly, no help was given, therefore making this action ineffective.

I wouldn’t know the exact reason why one devalues other people’s feelings but I do have guesses. First, there are people who are burdened with too much emotional pain that it is easier to brush off other people’s suffering and pain than to take it in, especially if they are natural empathizers (we all are and supposed to, otherwise, we’re Psychopaths). I think it’s understandable as long as we tell the other person that we aren’t ready to take their problems in because we are also going through something similar. We are only humans and can only hold in so much. Second, there are people who find pleasure in seeing other people in pain. I see these people as emotional sadists who find pleasure juicing out further suffering from those who are already in pain, by telling them to be grateful because others had it worse. Or maybe they are just insensitive and ignorant about how each people’s suffering and pain is unique.

Pain is pain, no matter how mild or severe others perceive it to be. In the end, people expressing their pain only did so in hopes of alleviating it. However, there will always be opportunistic assholes who will use it to feed their disgusting egos. Or maybe not, maybe they are just ignorant. If so, it’s time to reflect on this all-time favorite quote of mine that I came across some 10 years ago: “The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. ”― Alvin Toffler